apparently i’m just dumb.
completely forgot/overlooked my computer had a “Killer Doubleshot Pro” feature that I enabled, which redirects high priority network traffic through whichever connection is faster, of wireless and wired, and low priority through whichever is slower.
i disabled it, and instead of taking over a minute to get “Online”, the dashboard instantly showed I was “Online” and my quic was “OK”.
as for why it even mattered, I can only guess it was doing something weird to storj traffic and redirecting it incorrectly [whatever that actually means]